Archer and Armstrong #9 (Classic Valiant)

While the previous issue of Valiant comedy series Archer and Armstrong was so wordy that it took a fair while for me to put my review together, this issue is absolutely brisk. I was able to read it in a leisurely pace in less than five minutes, and get this review written just as quickly! This'd be a neat thing if this was actually entertaining.

Evil necromancer Master Darque wants immortal warrior Gilad Anni-Padda dead, and to do so, he imbues loyal subject Janine Noir with the ability to mesmerize men, and orders her to go after Gilad's also immortal brother Armstrong, a frequent drunk and get him under her power, turning him into a weapon that could actually have a strong chance in taking the powerful Gilad out of commission. Now it's up to Armstrong's young Buddhist pal Archer to save him before he carries out his mission...

This isn't very good, but it is a lot better than the last couple of issue of Archer and Armstrong, so that's worth at least a little praise.

Nothing is accomplished this issue. There's little character, no development, and the plot is throwaway and over before you know it.

Master Darque is a lousy villain. He has nothing to him, and only appears in story bookends. As for what he does to Noir at the end of the issue for failing him, it'd make sense if this were a darker, more serious series, but this is a comedy!-A comedy issue that follows an 'oh so hilarious' scene with a brutal rape about to happen. Real classy, chumps!

Now onto the good aspects of this issue. There's some good humour, and I like Archer's impromptu acupuncture at the end, even if it does come across a tad psychotic.

The artwork is mostly decent, but not so good in places (like a biker who looks like he was drawn Liefeld-lite). Unfortunately the inking for the issue's dialogue can be pretty crap at times. The cover is pretty bad. It's drawn well, but Archer looks a little psychotically evil, while Janine Noir's black dress quite literally blends into the background!

As I've said before, comics in the '90's were obsessed with stating the time for each scene as specifically as it could. This issue goes way overboard with that idea, as it feels the need to state the year again in a later caption box! Another layout problem is the ultra small text in Archer's narration boxes.

Like I said, this isn't anything special, but it's so much better than previous issues that I'm a lot more lenient on this particular entry in Archer and Armstrong...

Archer and Armstrong #8-Eternal Warrior #8 (Classic Valiant)

Ah, finally an issue of Archer and Armstrong that's digging into the latter's backstory!  Today's issue is a special double-sized story, as it's mixed together with other Valiant series Eternal Warrior. And no, I don't mean it's a flipbook, but actually the two series' are literally melded together for this issue rather than be a two-parter. Thankfully that'd actually be pretty easy to accomplish given the connection the two have (the immortal Anni-Padda family) but this issue unfortunately wastes that potential...

Young Buddhist Archer and Immortal drunk Armstrong are driving around the French countryside while the latter regales his friend with the real tale of the three musketeers, which he was personally involved in.

In 1659 France, Geomancer (earth seer) Duchess Angelique D'Terre and her loyal 'fist and steel' Gilad Anni-Padda, immortal Eternal Warrior and brother to Armstrong, have a plan to overthrow King Louis XIV. The earth has told the Duchess that if history keeps on its current course, a bloody revolution will occur, so she and Gilad set up a (needlessly!) complex gambit to get the help of Gilad's two musketeer brothers, Aram (Armstrong) and Ivar, and the young D'Artagnan, and free King Louis' twin brother, The Man in the Iron Mask, and secretly install him as France's king...

Whether or not this issue is a good adaptation of The Three Musketeers, I've no idea, as I've only seen the 1993 movie, and the last time I saw that was when the only George Bush people knew about was H.W. What I do know is that this issue is boring!

The biggest problem aside from that is that this story just isn't Archer and Armstrong-At all! The story is a dead-serious Three Musketeers take, with characters who just so happen to be named after, or look like, the series' main characters. There are however sporadic bits of attempted slight comedy, and moments like these are placed in terrible out-of-tone moments, like right after a rape scene! The only truly funny moments here to be had are the first and last pages, courtesy of Archer.

The majority of characters in this story are either boring, or unlikeable. And their attitude in the ending doesn't make much sense. Armstrong, Ivar, and D'Artagnan are all pissed at Gilad for the 'horrible' thing he did, when it really isn't. All he did was try to get a guy on the throne, and when that guy turned out to be a murderous rapist, Gilad kills him. Neither he, nor the Duchess do anything wrong or morally questionable (minus their little trick with D'Artagnan). Granted, it is because of them that this psychotic puppet king was freed from prison in the first place, but the way Gilad's brothers' feel towards him is pretty unfounded.

The headliner of later Valiant series Timewalker, Ivar Anni-Padda's first ever appearance is in this issue, and it's completely out of nowhere. He's never been mentioned until now, and when he first appears, he's just...there. He has very little character to him and leaves zero impression. Plus, his time-traveling capabilities are barely explained! In fact, the end of the issue is the only time they're actually explained-The other times its mentioned this issue, you'll probably just be confused about what the hell people are talking about.

Oh, and Ivar?! Are you kidding me?! Three brothers, born in very ancient Mesopotamia, one named Gilad, the other Aram, and the other Ivar?! Ivar is a Scandinavian name, not Middle Eastern!

Armstrong is completely wasted, as is the Archer stand-in D'Artagnan. Also, one odd thing to point out about Armstrong is that he always calls Ivar 'My kinky brother' for no reason. Ivar isn't kinky at all!

Gilad is the most well-rounded of the brothers this issue, and I mean that loosely!

The story's villain (The Man in the Iron Mask) is pretty bland. He's an angry dick, and that's it. The reason he kills 'a certain character' is really petty, and doesn't feel fitting in the slightest. Also, this guy has been locked in a dungeon with a bolted on metal mask for countless years, yet is not only decidedly not pale, but he has no facial hair! Did his jailers feel the need to regularly shave him?!

The end to the issue is just baffling. There's a confusing bunch of splash pages, showing Archer and Armstrong throughout history. The implication seems to be that Armstrong has always had an identical bald ponytailed sidekick, but that makes no sense, nor is it ever mentioned again. Some of these pages look good, but others are terrible, like the civil war one where Armstrong is drawn terribly (think a wide-eyed gulping fish as a human), or the one at Custer's Last Stand! Not only does it not make sense why they're at that battle, but 'Archer' looks like a psychopath while gunning down Indians! Uh, comic, whether these are meant to be taken seriously, or they're just goofy non-canon concept art, having your characters violently slaughter Native American Indians is...rather not very endearing

The arrangement of speech bubbles is this story's biggest problem. Normally, you read them from top to bottom, but here, they frequently either continue on from previous panels, or just start at the bottom for no reason, disorienting you. The layout is at best a nuisance, and at worst, infuriating! There's also a moment where a character is stabbed, and their stomach yells their name...At least, that's how it looks given the position of another character's speech bubble.

One almost annoying aspect with the narration boxes is that not only do both Archer and Armstrong have them, but they're the same colour! Thankfully the font is at least noticeably different.

The artwork is all decent. As for the wraparound cover, it's hard to tell Gilad and Ivar apart, and Archer looks like he's had a paralytic stroke.

In closing, this is a pointless issue that's more interested in telling a boring historical story than it is in making any kind of effort to explore the rich backstory of one of Archer and Armstrong's title characters...

Harbinger #1 and #2 (Classic Valiant)

is why Harbinger sucks! Oh wait, I'm sorry, I should start the review at the beginning, not in the middle. Whoops, my bad! Thankfully no big-time comic company ever did thatohwait...

This is yet another comic where the real Isssue #1 is Issue #0, which was released after #1 came out! I was originally going to be slightly lenient in this case, as Harbinger #0 was released around the same time as this, as opposed to XO Man-O-War #0, which was released well over a year after the first issue was released (yet still expected you to already know its plot by starting off #1 as if you'd already read #0...which would be impossible!), but I'm going to be harsh. You know why? Because apparently you could only get Harbinger #0 if you collected a bunch of coupons in the first six issues! So that's six months before you get the damn origin of the series! Why didn't they just sell the damn thing? What's all this rigmarole about coupons? It sounds like a good way for a company to hemorrhage money!

Peter Stanchek and his girlfriend Kris Hathaway are on the run from the evil Harbinger Foundation because of...reasons. The Foundation locates and trains superpowered 'Harbingers' (think mutants from X-Men) because...Err...Look at that cute bunny behind you!

Pete and Kris manage steal some Foundation mail and find a few applicants, such as flying Faith 'Zephyr' Herbert, pyrokinetic Charlene 'Flamingo' Dupree, and super strong John 'Torque' Torkelson, and tell them of the Foundation's evil. 

rts off in the middle of a!...Err...This issue starts off in the middle of a sentence! I am not kidding! It's bad enough that Issue #1 starts mid-story, but mid-sentence?! Because of this, you're left incredibly confused, as you would and should be! Was it fucking uncool to start your comic series at the start in the '90's?!

Th plot here is boring, not much happens, and even less is explained, and what is is done so vaguely-Issue #1 of Harbinger can barely tell you its own conceit! The issue's main focus is on introducing the characters, and it doesn't do that well either, partly because of the lacklustre writing, and because of the story starting off in media res.

Pete is a plank of wood, and Kris' character is that she's Pete's girlfriend These two aren't very likeable. Not because they've killed people (some Eggbreakers (foundation 'soldiers') who die in an explosion after a battle), but because of their reactions to the Harbinger Foundation submission letters they read, and to what Faith has to say before they realize she actually does have powers. They're also idiots too, like how they don't wear masks when burgling a post office! To top it all off, there are some baffling pieces of dialogue, like when Kris wants to let Torque join the group, but Pete doesn't, as he thinks Torque is 'not one of us', and 'a normal human', and as everyone drives away without Pete, he thinks to himself in regards to Kris 'But you said this was a war'. Yes, she did, and she's the one who wants Torque to come along! This dialogue feels like it'd only make sense if the roles were reversed-If Pete wanted Torque to come along, and Kris was the one refusing. And speaking of Torque, there's a scene where Pete thinks he's a spy...for no reason. There's one scene where the comic tries to make Pete and his use of his powers morally ambiguous, with Kris calling him out on it for doing something 'evil', but it really isn't (as all he did was get Kris and Faith off each-others throats. A misuse of his powers? Maybe, but not friggin' evil!). It's a pretty weak attempt at ambiguity.

Onto Flamingo...And that's enough about Flamingo, because she has basically zero character to her besides 'Wha ah declare! flirty southern belle'.

Faith, however, is very likeable, and identifiable. It's awesome seeing a character you like this much actually getting involved in big superhero antics like she dreams of...It's just a shame that she's a player in the Valiant universe, where Depressing is the main dish, Horrible Death is the entree, and Eternal Human Suffering the h'ordeuvres. As entertaining as Faith is, there is one problem concerning her-Why is she palling around with Peter and Kris? They're strangers to her, and fugitives struggling against a super evil corporation-Also, her mother will be worried sick at her daughter having disappeared! I could buy it if she was really so selfless that she wanted to help Pete, but it's never explained in any way, let alone that way.

Torque is likeable (he does say some rude things, but it's a defense mechanism) and interesting, but he doesn't say a whole lot, and he's pretty wasted. I friggin' mean that, given what happens to him in Issue #6! I have half a mind to just say what happens here and now, because doing 'that' to a main character only six issues into your series is a horrible thing to do! By the way, just like Faith, it also isn't explained why Torque goes with the bunch, nor how he sent a submission letter when he didn't send a submission letter! One last thing concerning Torque, there's a baffling line that Kris says to him-"You know, you don't fool me. I can tell you're pretty bright. This neanderthal bull is a cover-up, because you're ashamed of your ignorance, right?" Um, if he's bright, that means he's not ignorant! And if they mean ignorant as in racist or prejudiced, that doesn't make sense either, as if someone was ashamed of that kind of ignorance, then they clearly know it's a problem and would change their attitude!

Series main villain Toyo Harada is a complete non-presence here, having no character, and leaving zero impression. Not only is it barely explained why he even wants Peter dead, the first mention he gets in this series comes completely out of nowhere. As for the Harbinger Foundation, it's also basically a non-entity, as we know almost nothing about it! People online (like the misinformative Valiant F.A.Q.) talk about how amazing this series was for its moral complexity in how the Foundation are portrayed as enemies who you're not sure are wrong in their pursuits, and sympathetic, 'making you wonder if the heroes are truly right', but that's not the case here-They're just a bunch of evil dudes in jumpsuits.

The dialogue here is ok, but there are some low points (what teeenager...no, what person says 'Ho'?! If you mean it in the old context, as in, 'Ho, Sir Hewson'...and are from several hundred years ago, it's fine, but nowadays, it only means a Santa laugh!...Actually it's only one third of a Santa laugh, which makes it all the more awkward!).

Now, onto Issue #2. I haven't been talking about them together as these issues are pretty separate. #2 follows on directly from the events of #1, but it's not really a Part 2 in a storyline. The plot here is pretty eh, and there's not a whole lot to it, but it at least tells enough for an issue, and establishes the character of Dr. Heyward, and the team's new 'base'.

The characters are all pretty static, save for Faith and Torque. Kris gets a pretty good scene where she talks to Torque, pictured above. The only problem is that we don't see Torque say anything in reply, and the comic instantly cuts to later.

The team also get their costumes this issue...and they're boring! They're all red, save one! Also, there's a pretty dumb line Faith gets, considering how badly the series ignores it, for no reason-"Now we can look like a team! I can alter them a little so we don't look like their team."...Which is why the Harbinger Foundation symbol is always on the uniforms. What kind of moonshine absinthe were the writers drinking to make them this forgetful?!

A frustrating aspect of the series is how everyone calls Faith 'Zeppelin' instead of Zephyr, her proper codename. It paints the other characters as dickheads. They never learn, or stop, as this is a problem that never goes away. Also, it's never spelt correctly, as no-one in Valiant apparently knew that zeppelin has two damn E's in it, not one!

...Smooth explanation, Pete, you little fucker! But Faith can do you better-She called you 'perilously insecure' when all you called her was fat!

The artwork to these issues is good, but there are a couple of moments where faces aren't drawn so good. There's also a very lazy moment, when the team are flying towards a skyscraper, and the skyline is a photograph, rather than a drawing! The car is the only thing in the panel that's not a photo, it looks really out of place!

The cover to #1 is almost very good, as it looks cool and stylish, but a couple of the character poses drag things down, such as Pete's odd pose, and Flamingo's. I get why they did it, as it shows off her flirty character, but it makes zero sense for her to be sultry when she's being shot at! Also, Faith doesn't look all that fat on the cover.

#2's cover is ok, although Torque looks more like a lion than a human, the background tubes look straight out of Futurama, and Harada is so small that he's nearly imperceptible, and leaves no impression.

In closing, these first two issues of Harbinger aren't bad, but they're just...there. If only this series was headlined by Torque and Faith. Thankfully, after Issue #25, Faith did elavate to lead character status...Unfortunately, the series is still Harbinger, so it sucked, and totally wasted her. And that's an opinion even fervent fans of this series feel. I haven't read many opinions online that actually like the second half of this series...

Archer and Armstrong #7 (Classic Valiant)

There's a special level of scorn I hold for comics that waste their potential, and issues that waste their story. Archer and Armstrong #7 'succeeds' at hitting both bases. Comic series' that waste everyone's time by having four/five issue long arcs (spread out over as many months) are bad enough, but individually wasteful ones are just as bad.

Young Buddhist Archer and drunkard immortal Armstrong are driving around in Angouleme, France when their car breaks down. Instead of hiking dozens of miles back to the nearest gas station, they decide to go to the nearby castle and ask to use the phone to call for vehicular help. However, it turns out that this castle is not only a hub for antique smugglers, but also a psychotic member of The Sect, the order dedicated to sacrificing the 'great evil' that they believe Armstrong to be...

This issue starts off already in the middle of things. No opening, no characterization, or introduction. Thankfully after a few pages, it does flash back and tell us how the titular duo got in this mess, but still, pointless in media res is not a good way to start off your issue, or get new readers onboard. The issue does improve somewhat once it starts proper in the flashback, but the structure is still mangled althroughout, so it frankly should have just done that from the get go!

There are numerous other problems with this issue, such as when Armstrong starts fighting these smugglers, Archer just walks off to admire the beautiful old house. What?! Why isn't he aiding his buddy? And no, there's no real* explanation for why he does it, comedic or logical.

*I say 'real' because there is a sort-of justification, but it's extremely weak.

This story was at least simple enough after the reader whiplash from the opening wore off, but then a Sect member suddenly comes in out of freakin' nowhere (technically), making the plot feel overstuffed.

If you've read my review of the last two issues of A&A, you'll know of Armstrong's wife, and how for no explained reason, he only visits her sporadically, despite them being a happy and loving couple. Here, Armstrong has been badly grumpy and morose since leaving the company of his wife again-Then why did he leave her?! This is not good writing! Just as it isn't that the duo Just So Happen to stumble upon a random castle full of bad guys, and a sect member to boot!

The biggest crime thus far with this series is that there is no explained reason why Archer is palling around with Armstrong. He isn't just a friend, but instead lives a nomadic lifestyle with the guy! Why? If you've read Issue #0, you may thing 'To fight evil' is an explanation, as Archer wants to devote his life to such a task, but that really isn't the reason, as they never do that. More often than not this series, the two leads stumble into trouble, or trouble seeks them out. Only on very rare occasions do they actually willingly set out to fight bad guys.

This issue does have decent moments, and funny pieces of dialogue, but they're fileted in-between a mediocre issue which tells basically no story, and advances nothing! But then again, this is classic Valiant. Advancing series plots was not something they were ever good at (courtesy of the continuity stopper that is Rai #0, mostly), outside of Dr. Mirage, and HARD Corps.

One moment that doesn't make sense is when Archer and Armstrong say the wrong password at the front door of the crooks' lair, they're dropped down a trapdoor and asked "How'd you learn the secret password?!"-Err, they didn't. They never knew it...Wait a second, "Why didn't you say so in the first place"? How did you read the dialogue in the above picture? I thought they were snidely telling the duo that if they knew the password, why didn't they say it first instead of the random answer Armstrong gave. That makes sense. But no, apparently if you say something random when these crooks ask for the password, they'll inadvertently give you the real one, not notice when you parrot it back to them, and then give you a genuine well-meant welcome by dropping you down a trap door! Ugh, I think this comic has made me dumber!

The artwork is ok, but not so good in places (pictured below). The cover is ok on its own, but it's embarrassing when you realize that by looking at this cover, you realize you get the same amount of substance as you do in the issue itself.

As for other layout stuff, There's a moment in Archer's narration that lacks capitalization, and the narration boxes and font are still annoyingly small, but at least the inking is much better than the last couple of issues.

All in all, this is a mediocre issue of Archer and Armstrong, full of little problems that add up heavily and sink it...

Moon Girl (Red 5)

Funny story-I'm a writer when not tending to my two blogs, and a few months ago, I started plans to write remakes for old public domain series' Captain Flash, and Tomboy. I also wanted to write one for Moon Girl, and in my research, I  ended up stumbling upon someone else who has done the exact same thing. What does that mean for Moon Girl's public domain status? Would I still be able to write my own version? No idea, but that's not why I'm here tonight. I'm here to review Tony Trov and Johnny Zito's 2013 miniseries/graphic novel Moon Girl!...

Formerly a princess in a far-off country, Klara Luna-now Claire Lune-is the Superheroine Moon Girl, defender of New York, and has finally defeated her archnemesis Satana. But before long, a terrible new threat begins to loom over the city, as an evil former special agent named Sugar Plum Fairy, along with her associates, enact their plan to brainwash the masses into violent revolution...

When I first read Moon Girl, I didn't know what to make of it! Part of it was because I didn't know what to expect, and I thought this would be a Silver Age callback. What I instead got was a complex near-treatise on anarchism, revolution, and superhero deconstruction.

When I finished this the first time, I didn't know how I felt about it. Not in the slightest! It's been a couple of months since then though, and I just reread it, and having done so with my bearings firmly latched to the ground, I can actually form a more genuine opinion of this book. Its damn good then that I didn't write and post this review when I first read Moon Girl, as was originally intended!

Let's start with the plot. This is a pretty well-written story, and it presents its themes well enough, never mishandling them, or feeling forced. There's no shortage of depressing moments, and there's so much violence and gloomy stuff going on that you could classify this as a horror as much as you could a superhero story. Thankfully Moon Girl is dark, not depressing-There is a difference. This doesn't feel grim and gritty because happiness 'isn't RADICAL!!!!' (as comic writers of the '90's felt) or because it's 'immature and childish' (what many comic writers nowadays, most notably DC, feel), but instead manages to find a good balance, and benefits from the good writing.

The best thing about this comic in my opinion is that despite how dark things get in its pages, especially the climax, the ending has such an oddly triumphant feel to it!

However, there are a couple of issues with the plot. It isn't explained enough how the bad guys are turning people into weird zombie thingies (the brainwashing bit I got, but zombie monsters?), nor what their satellite weapon is. There's also no explanation at the end of how everything was cleaned up, or how all the 'infected' in New York was returned to normal. Aside from those, the plot is handled well.

The setting is a stylised version of the 50's, although it doesn't seem radically different like some Tom Strong-ish alternate version of the era. There must be some touches that are different from the actual 1950's though, because otherwise, there is no way "I think I'll dress as Frank-N-Furter to work today" is quite up to code.

The title character, Claire Lune, is good, although I wish we knew a bit more about her. As it stands, though, her characterization is pretty good. Satana is an interesting character, with a well-defined relationship and plan with Claire. Sugar Plum Fairy is a fun over-the-top anarchy-is-great villain, while the remaining 'rogue's gallery', such as the crazy Doctor Crane are just there. While likeable, Star's character is pretty lacking, whereas Ben Pierce has a pretty interesting backstory, which I wish we could have seen more of.

*Wait, Doctor Ben Pierce? Worked in the Korean War? Real funny guys!...I'm not sure if that's sarcasm, or a genuine good reaction...

The very photo-realistic artwork isn't the kind that I particularly take to, but it's definitely good, and I'm sure takes quite a lot of effort and hard work to do, given the level of detail. The event sequencing is sometimes a bit off though, and there are times where I didn't even know what I was looking at. And then there are times where I didn't know what the FUCK I was looking at!

There are multiple splash pages, and many regular pages that contain very little happening, so this book feels a lot shorter than it actually is. If this was a regular ongoing series, this'd be a crippling problem, but as this is a graphic novel, basically, it's not a big hindrance.

Moon Girl is 143 pages, but it's technically 184, as there are a lot of concept posters, easter eggs for lack of a better word, as well a lengthy all-text Super Manifesto, which I couldn't be bothered reading (it seemed pretentious and overwritten, and I had other things to do, like read Nextwave). One baffling thing is the placement of an awesome two-page spread at the very end. You'd think it'd come at the end of the concept art, but no! Instead there's concept covers, the lengthy Super Manifesto, a classic Moon Girl concept cover, then a list of other Red 5 recommendations, then this two-page spread! Unless you want to read the book cover to cover, you likely won't notice its there! As for why it's awesome, that's...indefinable. I just feel that way...for reasons.

There are some neat touches and callbacks to the original Moon Girl that I liked...As will the only four people alive who have actually read Moon Girl. Granted, there are probably many an aspect (namely the whole style and conceit of the book) that'll piss off anyone who's ever read classic Moon Girl, but again, only four people. And besides, I'm hardly one to judge about a Moon Girl remake radically changing the story and characters, as it's literally the exact same thing I'll plan on doing if I'm ever able to write my own adaptation.

In closing, you may not know what the hell to make of this, but at least if you've read this review, you're prepared for what's inside. Will you enjoy it? Will you hate it? No idea, but if you're game to give it a try, the trade is on Comixology, and only costs seven bucks, so if you're interested, you don't have much to lose...

Secret Weapons #9 and #10 (Classic Valiant)

Holy shit! When did this series start getting so good?!

So, after last issue of Secret Weapons, the writers didn't fix what was actually broken and instead unwisely ditched what was only in need of maintenance. Poor Stronghold and Livewire, you got your own series, and kept getting shafted. However they did pick up the writing quality for this two part sendoff for the rest of the first Secret Weapons team. Now I'm pissed that they didn't do their jobs and actually write a good series until the point of no return!

This is really only half a good story though. I only recently got #9, but have owned #10 for a while, and that's a load of fun! But as I recently found out, the story's first half leaves much to be desired.

After the events of last issue, immortal government secret agent Gilad Abrams and 'Geomancer' (earth seer) Geoff McHenry are contacted by fellow superpowered agent Bloodshot, who needs them for a mission. Massive arms organization Weaponeer has crumbled due to attacks by terrorist organization Webnet, and the only thing remaining is a secret vault filled with dangerous experimental technology, which the U.K. government wants part of. As any electronic search to find the vault could be tracked by Webnet, Bloodshot needs Geoff's help to locate the vault and destroy it before its contents fall into the wrong hands...

This two-parter is nothing special in the slightest, but compared to what's come before, it's more than serviceable. Issue #9 is pretty dull and boring, while in #10, The 'story' picks up when everyone finds the vault. There's still no plot mind you, but the action is at least a lot more entertaining.

The whole story conceit is just broken, as Gilad and Bloodshot need Geomancer Geoff to locate the Weaponeer Vault, as doing so electronically could allow them to be followed by Webnet...Which already happens literally every step of the way!

The dialogue is meh, with particularly bad moments, such as after a Webnet attack, when Bloodshot tells his compatriots "I think it's time to stop running and take control of the situation!" and they do just the opposite, continuing to run as they search for the vault. Another problem is that #10 has some exposition dumps as a catch-up in the form of questions (such as Bloodshot asking how Geoff could tell where the super-suits they're looking for were) that characters should already know!

The action is pretty ok, even if it's only made possible by the undramatic invincibility of two of the three main players. The end to everything is dumb though, as an explosion and fire in the volcano base the vault is in makes it erupt!

...Volcanoes don't work that way!

The characters are just there. Geoff's is pretty nothing, as is 'Eternal Warrior' Gilad, and Bloodshot. Speaking of, why doesn't Bloodshot put on a helmet, so people can't just pump a magazine into his skull?! Yeah he has healing powers, but it's best not to tempt fate by running into battle when your shirt's more open than the conflict!

Other Valiant character Ninjak appears way too little to make any kind of impression on either the plot, or the reader, and it doesn't make sense why he's making Weaponeer log entries when he is the only member of the organization still alive-And he's accepted its loss too, rather than plotting to resurrect it. Also, for the leader of a highly meticulous arms organization, and scrupulous with log entries, Ninjak really can't write for shit! "Weaponeer file subject-The Vault: The Vault is no more The Philippines volcano in which my vault was located has been destroyed. Everything was demolished." Repetitive much?

The boldening of random words is a problem just about every second comic ever made has, and I'll never understand it. Translating dialogue punctuated like that into real life would result in a conversation like:
"So you took this SUIT out of its CANISTER?"-"Right. Bloodshot put it in one of the other SUITS Then I RIGGED the empty canister with EXPLOSIVES."-"CLEVER. So what's NEVILLE going to do with the SUITS, hmm?"-"THAT, my dear FELINA is a SECRET!"...."Let's talk about PLEASURE."

THAT'S RIGHT, PLEASURE! IT ABSOLUTELY SOUNDS LIKE A CALM LEISURELY ACTIVITY WHEN I TALK. LIKE. THIS!

The artwork is largely ok, with some bits worse than others. There's a couple of weird skin colour problems. At the end, we see Colin King (Ninjak), and his skin is yellow! I'd say 'Way to be racist, artists!', but King is white, so I'll just call them dumbasses. Either that, or the yellow screen of his computer is that powerful a light that it covers his entire body! Another art issue (pictured directly below) is a panel in #9 which makes Bloodshot look black!

There's a pretty sizable visual continuity error between issues-At the end of #9, Geoff senses the suits inside an oblong silver metal crate, but in #10, there are instead several yellow and red canisters containing the suits! And it's not like these are what was inside the silver crate, as this is the exact same scene replayed, so there's no room for an offscreen removal.

Another crummy bit of art is a wasteful two-page spread with terrible foreshortening for a ninja Bloodshot is punching (especially since the way his leg match's up with BL's gun makes it look like a foot, making him seem ahead of Bloodshot, and therefore tiny!). At least the two pages match up together.

The covers to both these issues are lackluster. #9's has Liefeldian musculature and dumb action poses, while #10, showing a better cover situation, has the same near-grotesque musculature problem. Seriously, Bloodshot's thumb is as big as his forearm! By the way, look at 9's cover too long, and you;ll notice other problems, like 'who the hell is Gilad kicking towards?' or 'what the hell is happening in the background with the buildings and tree?!'. Seriously, wha?..."Space is warped and time is bendable"!

I in no way recommend these comics, but if for some reason you want to read Secret Weapons, these are readable, although one would likely get more satisfaction from them by suffering through the previous eight issues of mediocrity...

Archer and Armstrong #5, #6, #7, #8, and #9 (New Valiant)

Yep, I'm back so soon to talk about the current Valiant iteration of Archer and Armstrong, even though I really shouldn't, as I want to review the remainder of the horribly mediocre original series before I round out all the new issues...

Naive young former would-be brainwashed religious assassin Archer, and drunkard immortal Armstrong are on the run from the latter's also immortal and very angry brother, Gilad. During the duo's last adventure, the Geomancer, seer of the Earth, was accidentally killed, and Gilad, protector of the Geomancer lineage, is convinced that Archer is responsible. The duo are rushing to find the late Geomancer's successor before Gilad finds them first, but another problem to contend with is The Null, a malignant cult with a sick fascination with the concept of 'zero'. They wish to unmake the universe, to bring it back to 'perfection', and only Archer and Armstrong, can stop them, with the help of Gilad, and whoever the new Geomancer is...

How about I start with the bad. This arc is five issues-ergo five months-long! Having stories this long is bad for a number of reasons, such as it taking nearly half a year to tell just one story, but the main one is that it really stalls the characterization. Obviously the characters aren't totally fleshed out only two stories into a series, but two stories should be two stories, not divvied up into five or six over as many months!

Despite having five issues to tell its story, this arc still starts off  really abruptly. And there are a couple of plot holes concerning Gilad. Why did he think Archer killed the Geomancer? I understand that as their mystical protector, he can sense a Geomancer's death, but how the hell can he tell who killed them?! In fact, it's a pretty faulty sense anyway, as he's wrong! Hell, the series itself is wrong, as this story states that Archer's parents killed the Geomancer, which isn't what happened. They were already dead, and the Geo merely died in an accident-One that Archer wasn't even involved in!

Issue #5 is just one big fight scene, which is a huge annoyance! Very little is established or told this issue, aside from the fact that Gilad and Armstrong 'aren't exactly on the best of terms'. #6 doesn't fare any better either. It tells more events, but gets across almost no more story-It just introduces the new Geomancer, spending WAY too long focusing on Kay McHenry, with zero appearances from the title characters until sixteen pages in! Look, establishing this important character for the arc is good and all, but this is too much!

The story starts proper in Issue #7, and this is where things start getting good! #5 and #6 are terrible storywise, but are entertaining issues, but things really get enjoyable here, as the comic delves into the interesting story. And of course, this comic is still hilarious!

Another positive is the awesome climax! Sure, the Null themselves are abruptly removed from the story, but aside from that, this is highly enjoyable stuff for sure!

The titles characters get no development this arc, for the above explained reason, which is infuriating. However, they're still likeable, and Armstrong's relationship with his brother is well-written, and one of the best things about the story.

Gilad's character isn't fleshed out a whole lot (contradictory series' like Eternal Warrior and Unity DO NOT HELP!) but he's fun to watch, and there's his relationship with Armstrong, as I said above.

As for his costume, it's not baby blue like in Classic Valiant, and thankfully the cylinders on his arm are explosives, which makes a lot more sense than the alternatives! There's too few of them to be a helpful supply of bullets, and in Classic Valiant, it was a shield, which is dumb, as a roll of cylinders is a terrible shield, especially when it only covers one side of one arm! All in all, Gilad's get-up is pretty cool!...So it's a shame that all future appearances have him sporting the stupid rotting hobo burlap hood (which must bring his peripheral vision to null), and a ridiculously impractical axe that he never uses.

Kay McHenry is a likeable and pretty well-rounded character, and I'm glad that Geomancers have a lot more power here than in Classic V, where their only ability was communicating with objects, making Geoff McHenry a near useless addition to any story he was in (given they tended to be all action, and he's an unarmed kid). Poor Kay McHenry though. Valiant has completely forgotten she exists! To date, she's never appeared again! Not in A&A because its not about Geomancers, not in Eternal Warrior, due to its huge continuity errors, and not in Gilad's current series Unity because the writers have seemingly forgotten about the Geomancers altogether. It's a shame, because like I said, I like her. I wish she'd get her own series, but that's hardly in the cards, especially since New Valiant's adhering to a strict self-imposed 'no more than 10 ongoing series' at once' rule, which is annoying! I do however appreciate why that rule exists-So fans who enjoy all of Valiant's lines can actually afford to buy them all.

Elliot Zorn is a boring villain. Hell, you can't even see his eyes for most of his appearances, just because oooooOOOOooooOOOooo, I guess, and one page in #6 repeats the same image three times! Compounding the problem is that he randomly dies offscreen near the story's climax and is replaced as the main villain by the Last Enemy. Speaking of, the Enemy is a cool villain-Much better than in Classic Valiant, where he was a literal baddie deus-ex-machina. The One-Percent are pretty funny minor villains, with numerous scenes that made me chuckle.

The artwork is very good, despite a couple hiccups like the above image. The covers range from good, to bad, to confusing. #5's is boring and dull, with nothing but Gilad posing against a blank background. Also annoying is the 'Z' artist's signature, which is really too noticeable, given there's literally nothing else in the background other than gradient orange?! 6's cover is decent, while 7's is great, but a non-sequitur. 8's is just baffling, and 9's is serviceable.

This story arc of Archer and Armstrong has serious issues, but it's still my favourite so far, and I highly recommend reading it...Something the writer of Gilad's spinoff Eternal Warrior clearly didn't, judging by the massive continuity errors that plagued that series, eventually forcing it into hiatus (though that's not the official explanation-Valiant says it's on hiatus because of that 10 series rule, which I'm sure is at a least partial reason)...