XO Man-O-War #1, #2, and #3 (New Valiant)

XO Man-O-War was the first series that Valiant Comics started in their line-up of classic series remakes, and it's a very strong series to open your company on! XO is a sci-fi action series about an ancient Visigoth fighting spider aliens. Sounds appealing? Well it is a concept that can be horribly misused (see, my reviews for the original series), but when it's done well, it's done well! Tonight I'll be reviewing what's technically the first arc, Issues #1 to #3.

Oh, and yes, I'm aware that the title is not spelled how I'm spelling it. I graduated English for a reason, and that reason is to not abide crap like this!

In 410 A.D., the Visigoths are being decimated by the Roman empire. Feircely opposing them is heir to the Visigoth throne Aric of Dacia, who engages the Romans in battle, losing his father in the process. When he goes back to his home camp, he discovers it's been ransacked by the Romans, and his wife has been kidnapped along with countless others of his people. That night, he takes a small force to attack the Romans, and comes across a strange convoy. However, it's not Romans the Visigoths are attacking, but spider-like aliens known as the Vine, who are on Earth to take slaves. Aric and his comrades are quickly defeated, taken onboard a spaceship and flown into space, to a massive colony ship, where he and his fellow Visigoths are forced to work in massive gardens, as the Vine hold plant-life reverently.

Years after their capture, Aric sets up a rebellion to escape Vine confinement and reach what he thinks to be an armoury. Inside, he finds the Shanhara armour, a holy relic watched over by an order of priests. Unbeknownst to Aric, anyone who has tried to put the armour on dies horribly, but it doesn't matter, as Shanhara bonds with its new Visigoth host, giving him the power to retaliate against the brutal Vine with extreme vengeance...

#1

This is a very good opening issue to the series, and establishes plenty, quite nicely. The best thing is the pacing. It covers many bases, from showing the Visigoth and Roman conflict (although not giving a very good reason why they're battling), to the battle and capture with the Vine, and the captive Visigoths on the colony ship.

At the start is a page with briefly talks about Visigoths and Romans, comparing statistics and whatnot. It also goes to the trouble of giving names for several Roman and Visigoth weapons...and features constant naming of specific weapons and devices not mentioned in the background page! Thankfully it's not that hard to work out what an Onager is.

While at this point we know very little about the series main character Aric of Dacia, but his actions and reactions do go a way to helping us feel for him, and want to see him win his struggle against the Vine. It's definitely an improvement over the original series' first issue, which gave us nothing. Aside from Gafti, who is basically a walking plank of wood, there are no other proper characters here, aside from Commander Trill, a recurring Vine foe.

The Vine are a cool looking race, and while we don't see a great deal of their brutality on display here, we do see what they do with human babies (abduct them and replace them with genetically modified Vine babies, for infiltration). One slight problem though is that it's kinda nonsensical why some Vine wear nothing but a snazzy cape when they're a massively high-tech race!

Best to my knowledge, Classic Valiant never named the spider aliens. It just called them that and washed their hands of it, so I'm highly appreciative that the writers here weren't so lazy.

The artwork is very good, and while it doesclash with the art inside, the painted look of the cover is fantastic! What's drawn is also nice and detailed, rather than just a blank piece of meh with nothing but the hero standing...like the third issue to this very series! The cover has one problem, though-The huge annoying barcode! What the hell's it doing on the front cover?!

This is a great opener, and definitely worth reading!...

#2

This is another good issue, but there's not much story here, which almost stretched my patience. There are definitely good qualities, regardless. For example, it actually holds weight when Aric takes the XO armour and rises up against his oppressor, because we've seen him kidnapped and brutally worked as a slave for many years, unlike Classic XO, which literally started off with him finding the armour, with no explanation or backstory for who Aric is (though his backstory was the same, and worst of all, the writers actually wrote the first issue as if you already knew, going so far to acknowledge events that the readers wouldn't understand 'till the #0 issue eventually came out over a year later!).

One kinda-shaky plot point is how Aric seems to get a map to the colony ship out-of-nowhere (in the respect that a random guy just happens to know the layout enough to draw the map), but at least he didn't find out about the armour from Elvis Presley, like in Classic Valiant...I am not joking!

When it comes to character, there's almost none, given how the majority of this takes place over such a short time. The issue starts off with a flashback, which helps to make us care a bit about the loss of Aric's wife Dierdre, who up until now, we'd never actually seen.

The art is still very good here. I especially like the gardens of the Vine colony ship, which have very neat visuals and colours. As for the cover, I'd might as well copy and paste my thoughts on #1's to describe how I feel about it.

While the series has been taking its sweet ass time getting to the point (and that point is Aric taking the XO armour), it's not like this issue outright wasted time...

#3

...However, Issue #3 does waste its potential. There's literally no story at all here. Just 'Aric uses the armour to kill some aliens, then goes to Earth'. Sure, there is the scene with Gafti, but aside from that, there's nothing to this waste of an issue. A month of work and waiting, people! Hell, aside from artwork, there's nothing else I can say about this comic! I've literally said all that can be about the plot!

As usual, the artwork is good. The cover's decent (although it draws the Vine's mouths a bit too wide), but it suffers from a baffling problem. I assume #3's cover takes inspiration from the cover to the original XO #5, and in doing so, has the exact same problem as that cover did! Classic #5 is totally red, for no reason, and because of this, not only gets Aric's hair colour wildly wrong (to the point where it's hard to even tell that it's him), but also the colour of the armour itself, which it gets completely wrong! #3's imitation fares a bit better. Aric's hair style looks like something from Dragonball Z, while the XO armour looks like a wrinkled peach, but it does at least get Aric's hair colour right.

The series continues to have plentiful sound effects-CHOOM! CHOOM! WHAM! CH-BOOM! B-BOOOOOOM!!! The artists must really have been having a ball!

XO Man-O-War is a really good series, and I definitely recommend it, although if you're interested in getting into it, feel free to skip Issue #3.

Quantum and Woody #1, #2, #3, and #4 (New Valiant)

Valiant Comic's series' are generally straightlaced and serious (complete with way, WAAAY more gore than necessary just to show how 'mature' and 'adult' they are), but it has comedies too. Firstly, there's Archer and Armstrong, and then there the remake to Quantum and Woody. This is actually very noteworthy, as it's a remake of an Acclaim Valiant comic! New V has plenty of either aspects, or just names from Acclaim's V iterations (If the dreadful Shadowman: End Times miniseries is any indication, we might get a new Shadowman in Michael LeRoi in the future), but it's never actually remade one of their original series' before! But then again, it shouldn't too surprising, as the Valiant fans who hate Acclaim so much are just trolls who have no idea what they're talking about (I mean that literally-I'm not just speaking from opinion here).

Eric and Woody Henderson are brothers (Woody being adopted) who haven't seen each-other for years, as Woody ran away for reasons unknown to the rest of his family. Years later, the two 'reunite' at their father's funeral, and after a somewhat hostile questioning by police detective Cejudo, the brothers realize that their father was murdered, and they're prime suspects. Reluctantly teaming up, they check out their dad's top secret workplace, which they believe to be the reason someone killed him. However, in a fight, Eric accidentally sets off a machine of their father's, which goes critical, devastating the laboratory and imbuing the two siblings with strange superpowers. Meanwhile, a mysterious group known as the E.R.A., responsible for Derek Henderson's death, set their sights on the two new heroes...

Due to Valiant's style of storytelling, it takes four issues just to tell this first story, but that's not too bad here, as said story is packed with hilarious humour, character, and a fun, full plot. Just like the original Acclaim series, Q&W not only has gut-bustingly funny moments, but, despite its immature nature, genuinely emotional scenes, which definitely strengthens the relationship between the two main characters.

As for the other characters, the villain is entertaining, as is her crazy cadre of mutations, like the two Johnnies, Beta-Max, etc. And Detective Cejudo is fun, although doesn't do a whole lot.

The villains, Edison's Radical Acquisitions, are pretty funny, and the explanation of how they came to be is hilarious if you know the truth about the dick Thomas Edison. Yep, Thomas Edison was a fucking asshole who, among many, many other thing, electrocuted poor Topsy the Elephant to death in order to prove a psychotic, profiteering point (that is that the AC electricity Nikola Tesla was offering for free was 'dangerous', and that Edison's much suckier DC electricity could be sold for trillions of dollars)! That adds a whole new level of hilarity to the proceedings!

The only real problem I have with Q&W's first arc is that there's only one issue where the villains and their plan is truly in full-front, and once said issue is over, they're defeated! On that same note, the main villain of the arc is dispatched a little too easily. It'd be one thing if she was merely defeated easily, but she's killed really easily! Although while Valiant in any incarnation has never been one for ever going back on deaths, it might in this case, as the ERA could conceivably have some way of bringing this villain back in the near-future...But having read ahead, they haven't...

A slight problem to Issue #4 is that it feels like there's a page missing at the end, in-between the brothers escaping the ERA island, and being on the boat with their new company. There isn't really a scene establishing the two parties  and the brothers realizing they're now on their side.

Also, the bands and powers are poorly explained. In the classic series, they're part of the project that Eric and Woody deliberately put on, but here they literally come out of nowhere! As for the powers, we haven't yet really gotten an explanation on what they are. And due to the series' non-linearity, we never see a scene with the two brothers realizing their newfound powers in a controlled situation (that is, not when they first discover them, while in a hectic battle).

And that's it. No more complaints out of me. This series is too good for 'em!

The artwork is definitely good! It's not photo-realistic, but is instead more comic book-y, if that makes any sense. Some characters, mainly Eric, can look a little craggy, but that's no problem. It's an art style, and it works, so no complaints here.

Unfortunately, this series is set in the same universe as all the other Valiant lines. This wouldn't be a problem on face value, but look at what's going on in Valiant right now-Armour Hunters! You have this goofy hysterical comedy set in the same universe as the worldwide destruction being caused in that event comic! DOES. NOT. MESH!

To compare this with the Acclaim iteration, the two series' are different, but similar. There's no fourth wall breakage at all in the new version (except for a minor one in #12), but it shares both the non-linearity, flashbacks to Eric and Woody as kids, as well as the mix of both comedy and drama between the two. One touch I like is that in the original series, the two are fighting when the accident is enveloping, whereas its the opposite in the new series, where they're simply saying their goodbyes. There's also a funny callback in the switching bodies joke Woody makes to himself.

To finish, Quantum and Woody is a hysterically funny comic series, and it has my absolute recommendation-It's so good that I was willing to buy multiple issues of it at once, when they cost $3.99(/$2.99 after price-drop) each, and I never do that! That's the mark of a great series, for sure!

Troublemakers #1 (Acclaim Comics)

Ok, seriously, why does Acclaim Comics get so much hate? For a start, they dumbed down none of the Valiant properties they bought up (contrary to what people keep saying), nor were their original properties bad. In fact, one of them, Quantum and Woody, is one of my all-time favourite comic series' out there. Today, I'm looking at Troublemakers, another of their original series' (set in their same Valiant remake universe).

Pharmaceutical company Galloway and Galloway have been in the business for years, but in the 1960's, they started a secret project to create superior human beings, using employees as parents for them. The products, now teenagers, are Chris (XL), Zach (Rebound), Parker (Blur), and Jane (Calamity), all endowed with varied superpowers...

This is a great first issue to Troublemakers! It introduces the characters well, doesn't overwhelm you with tons of backstory you need to know to understand things, and best of all, the story is not only humorous, but emotional too, with a great ending! When I say humorous, what I mean is that this isn't funny, but it's not trying to be-It just has an air of lightheartedness to it.

While we don't know a whole lot about the main characters, we see varied actions and conversations, which help flesh out their characters. Also, it helps that one of the group hasn't appeared yet, so the issue didn't have to cram in as much character introduction and development as it could into 20 pages.

The powers the kids have are definitely an interesting bunch. For example, if Chris is standing near someone, she can mimic that ability/power, and better too. The powers aren't used this issue for anything like, say, fighting crime, but they do help advance the plot, which is good. The only problem is that it hasn't been explained yet why a pharmaceutical company is creating human life with superpowers. Are they trying to better mankind? Take over the world? Great super kittens? I don't know.

The story is narrated by one of the worker's at the G&G company, in the form of letters to his son. It's done very well, and has a great payoff at the end. The font it's in is messy, as is the perogative of running writing, and it could certainly stand to be a bit bigger, but it's still easily readable.

The dialogue is all fine, and there's no annoying dated '90's slang from the kids or anything. However, one line is badly dated-"Barton Fein is tenser than Bob Dole in a vise". I'll be the first to say that I don't get that. The only reason I even know who Bob Dole is is, well, frankly pretty obvious. "Transmission over!"

The artwork is good. A little weird in places, and Youngblood's Disease is here and there, but for the most part, it's fine. Definitely better than what one would expect from 90's artwork. There's one scene of a panty shot of a teenage girl, which one'll likely find a tad icky, but its at least relevant to said humorous scene, so whatever you think of it, it's at least not just there for the creepy male gaze. Why do I have the feeling that 'just' should be italicized...

The cover is meh. There's no background, and the characters either have severe Youngblood's Disease, or are scrunching up their face, or both. Also, on the cover is Jane, the fourth main character...Who hasn't appeared yet.

And finally, Acclaim comics always had page numbers-Yes! Sweet robo-Jesus, YES! I am so pissed off by all the comic companies that never number their issues! It's infuriating for a whole number of reasons.

This is a fine opener to Troublemakers, and I definitely look forward to what else the series has to offer!...

Archer and Armstrong #3 and #4 (Classic Valiant)

Archer and Armstrong is a very fondly remembered series from old Valiant, and it sold like hotcakes back in the day...But nearly every issue I've read is either mediocre, or boring crap! What the hell! It's like the A&A series I've read is from some bizarro universe where everything sucks!

Today I'll be looking at Issues #3 and #4. I've already reviewed Issue #0, which is the real #1. The actual first two issues are part of crossover event Unity, and have absolutely nothing to do with Archer and Armstrong aside from having the two characters, and they don't advance anything for either of them. Because of that, I won't bother reviewing them before I get on with the rest of the series. I'll get to them eventually, when I review the mess that is Unity...

Archer and Armstrong have been successfully captured by The Sect, a worldwide organization with one sole purpose-Kill He Who Must Not Be Named, also known as Armstrong. The duo escape and dot dot dot....

These issues aren't terrible, but they're not all that entertaining, for one very big reason-There's no plot! Archer and Armstrong are captured, they escape, then run from killer nuns, find another chapel, get attacked by more sect members, evade them, book over.

A big problem I have with classic A&A is the size of The Sect, which is ridiculously massive. This basically insures that the series will remain static with its Sect plotlines (which it did). This really bugs me, as Valiant, the company many praise for it's 'deep storytelling', and 'amazing continuity' never changed. To compare Harbingers, the new series is about the main teens being approached by the Harbinger Foundation with open arms, gradually realizing they're up to no good, escaping, and now as renegades, they try their best to destabilize the Foundation, expose it's lies, and permanently get rid of it. The original Harbinger series never bothered telling the first three points (until a negligibly short #0 issue released many, MANY months later), nor the fifth, stuck on the 'They're renegades' one, and stayed static from then on, partially thanks to the continuity stopper that is Rai #0, which irrevocably established Toyo Harada as a villain who is never going away. I will never understand the praise that piece of shit gets!

But enough of that, and back to the series at hand. The locale of this A&A story is nice and unique-ish, but it's wasted in this nothing tale, which is a shame, as it could have complemented a better written story so well.

The two lead characters get barely any development here, and have almost nothing to them, which really doesn't help things when the story is boring as dishes!

The subplot of the kid (Daryl) who steals Armstrong's satchel is completely pointless, and lasts for an interminable amount of issues! It almost has potential when Daryl grows a conscience and decides to use the satchel's powers for helping, as that would make a neat 'flipbook' subplot throughout the series, having the main story of Archer and Armstrong solving mysteries and going on adventures, while the backup has Daryl and friends using the all-powerful artifacts of the satchel to make people's lives better, and stuff like that. It'd be nice, and it'd also mean that the satchel could never be a deus ex machina for the two leads as it so easily could be. Unfortunately none of this is meant to be, as Daryl's 'friend' steals the satchel, uses it for ill-gotten gains over nearly a dozen issues before this subplot finally ends!...And then the satchel is just ignored from then on by Armstrong...I'd complain, and in fact I am, but instead of wishing oh wishing upon a star, I think I'll just read my new purchases of Acclaim's Troublemakers*!...

*I imagine barely anyone reading understands why that's relevant.

Onto the positives, and yes, this comic does actually have them. There are a few funny moments in this story (the title to Issue #4, If Killer Ninja Nuns Be My Destiny, is a riot!), mostly the two 'in the dark' scenes that I've screenshotted. Pretty hilarious, but unfortunately this is the funniest a meh issue of classic A&A would ever get.

Villains Mahmud and Constantino are entertaining, but the latter doesn't appear enough (and never appears again after this issue), so he's a missed opportunity, as is the wasted Mahmud

The artwork is passable, but nothing special. There a a few scenes drawn worse than others, such as one where the two leads are running in front of a painting, and it's hard to tell what's what, as Archer and Armstrong blend into the painting, just as the painting blends outward. Also, the way Daryl (or Daryll, as this isn't at all consistent), is drawn makes him look very feminine. Another thing, blood in these issues seems more like Pepto Bismol!

The covers are pretty ok. That's basically all I can say about them. One more thing, the logo is pretty bland. Thankfully the new and more iconic series logo comes in at Issue #5.

And finally, I very much like what the artist were going for with the ending, but the minimalistic approach doesn't work all that well, as what's onpage is a bit confusingly odd.

I don't particularly recommend these two issues. They're not bad, but not all that great either. You'll likely forget them twenty minutes after you read them. So to finish...Was there really a period in time when axed meant asked? Really?!...

Archer and Armstrong #1, #2, #3, and #4 (New Valiant)

The (relatively) new Valiant comics company has done a great job at reimagining all the classic (in age, I mean, not in storytelling quality) characters, with titles such as XO Man-O-War, Harbinger, Bloodshot, etc. and today's comic, comedy adventure Archer and Armstrong...

Naive young Obadiah Archer has been trained all his life in a compound by his parents, radically religious members of a worldwide sect (unbeknownst to their son). They've been grooming Archer and his many adopted siblings to eventually one day try and kill the man who the sect feel is the antichrist-Immortal drunkard and partyer Aram 'Armstrong' Anni-Padda. Once sent out to kill Armstrong, Archer soon realizes that his target isn't who he's been made out to be, and uncovers the truth behind his parents and The Sect. Teaming up with Armstrong, the duo have to stop Archer's parents from finding all the scattered pieces of The Boon-a mystical artifact that gave Armstrong his immortality-before they inadvertently destroy all life on Earth in their deranged quest for eternal life...

This is a great opening arc to the series! Near perfection! The story feels big and sweeping, rather than a barebones story told over four issues. There are a couple of problems, though-The lack of Thelma and Joseph Archer, namely. They're the main villains of the arc next to The Sect itself, but they barely appear, and we see practically nothing of their relationship with Archer, so there's not as much impact when he uncovers their betrayal and true colours. Thankfully his relationship with his (adopted) sister and kinda love-interest Mary-Maria is much better defined.

Another problem is the Sect Green Llama monks. They're entertaining villains, with an interesting power, one that comes in handy for Archer at later points in the series, but that's problematic because of how poorly explained the 'Akashic Field' is. It's not so much that there's a confusing explanation, but that there's none, as the fight scene between Archer and the monks is abruptly ended, and they're never seen again, so the Akashic Field is never properly defined (not here at least).

And finally, Archer receives a pretty grievous wound at the end of #3, but he seems to just shrug it off, and it doesn't bother him much at all. Then next issue (which can't be set all that later), he's fine. Hell, either he has multiples of the same shirt, or he took the time to have it repaired, as it's in perfect condition!

Ok, enough of the very few negatives. Onto the characters...

Archer is a likeable main character, and while his dynamic with his polar opposite partner Armstrong isn't 100% fleshed out yet, it's still well-written. While I like the simplicity of Archer's origin in the classic series a lot more, this one is better, as Archer's mission to assassinate supposed antichrist Armstrong holds more weight due to it coming from his parents and being ingrained all throughout his childhood, rather than something coming a supposed friend of his former Tibetan master who he's known for barely an hour.

Armstrong is a funny and likeable character, with a highly interesting background. It's just a shame that so little of it is revealed here. Not that it matters a whole lot, as his past is mainly comprised of drunken fun times.

As much as I don't like to be reminded that the Kardashians, One Direction, and Honey Boo Boo, etc. exist, I like Armstrong's encyclopedic knowledge of such subjects, and his use of more modern day words, like dude* (not that there's much of it in these first issues). Modern in the respect that it's coming from a guy who's 10.000 years old at the least! In most fiction about immortals, they're always straitlaced, oftentimes brooding loners, whereas Aram Anni-Padda is a fun-loving drunk who'll talk like 90's Kid with the best of them!

The only problem thus far with the duo's newfound relationship is that there's never any downtime conversation, where they get to know each-other any better. It's all just mission stuff. And while Archer has a logical reason to realize that his parents are bad and Armstrong isn't as abruptly as he does, I kinda wish it would've been lengthened slightly.

Oh, and is the mystery of The Boon, and how Armstrong received immortality well-handled?...Fuck if I know! You see, I already knew both things going into the series, and it didn't really dawn on me until just now that it's a mystery at first! Oops!

Armstrong's nun friend Tommy is a good character, but there's a large chunk of story where she just vanishes, and her re-introduction (and the bad thing that happens therein) feels really abrupt and out-of-nowhere.

One tiny aspect I like is Armstrong's satchel. Here, it's nothing particularly special, as opposed to classic A&A, where it was replete with amazing magical artifacts, yet is stolen and in the possession of a bratty kid for ten issues, and is then never utilized once Armstrong gets it back! After all of that bullcrap, you can see why I appreciate the satchel's relative simplicity here. Though that doesn't mean that it's not still a bit ooky, and such. Another thing I like is a callback to the classic A&A series in #1, with the Andy and Flo display at Archer's home amusement park/compound.

Throughout the series are humorous little definitions on skills and fighting styles, and they're chuckleworthy at times, but the print is far too small. Another issue is with a 'certain character's' last words in Issue #3, and a similar moment in #4. Said panels are blank, which is a stylistic choice, but can easily look like a printing error. There's also an odd dialogue section at the start of #4, where I'm not sure if the order is correct. Either that, or it's just poorly and confusingly staged dialogue.

The artwork is very good! The character's can look a little dome-eyed at times, but otherwise the art is clear, well-defined, and all-round pleasing to look at!

The cover to #1 is ok, but the painted look of the visuals clashes with the art for the comic itself, and the lack of background is annoying. #2's is better, and nicely humorous, but the faces are what's wrong with it-Archer's isn't drawn very well, while Armstrong looks closer to Santa, than what he actually looks like. #3's cover is meh, and the faces are worse! Armstrong looks like a grey melted Santa, while Archer's face is drawn like a forty year old Italian guy from the Bronx! And finally, #4's is the worst, as the artwork is radically different from what's in the comic!

To wrap up, Archer and Armstrong is a fantastic series with a strong opening arc. It's well-recommended from me! One last thing to talk about is the upcoming movie adaptation that Valiant announced on their site a few weeks ago-It's not happening.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Valiant have come out and cancelled the project or anything-It's still full steam ahead for them. What I mean is is that in the last 24 years, no movie that either Valiant, Image, or Robo Liefeld* has tried to produce has ever actually been made! (save for that one Spawn movie).

*That's a typo that I decided to keep in, because BWAHAHAHA!

Don't believe me? Well it's been two and a half years since Rob Liefeld was optimistic about the Youngblood movie 'finally coming to fruition' after trying since the '90's, about two years since plans for a supposed Bloodshot movie was announced with Neal Moritz, fifteen since Ice Cube wanted to make a Shadowman movie, and it's also been close to a couple of years since J. Michael Straczynski was in talks for making a Shadowman movie. In short, I really hope an Archer and Armstrong movie is made, but it won't be. I hope I'm wrong...

Secret Weapons #8 (Classic Valiant)

Here we are. Finally at the last issue of mediocre Valiant series Secret Weapons' Stronghold and Livewire run. It's been a crummy and wasted journey, and its ending is the worst thing to have come so far! It's technically not the worst issue of Secret Weapons (that's Issue #3) but what it does to these characters pissed me off so much that this is my least favourite entry in the series...

Exhausted after their battle against the subterranean spider aliens in the last two issues, superpowered Harbingers (think mutants from X-Men) Eddie 'Stronghold' Sedgewick and Amanda 'Livewire' McKee go home, only for Amanda to be handed a lawsuit by an angry landlady. Meanwhile, Eddie's loan from his father's bank is denied, shocking him, as he desperately need the money to help Amanda. Amanda is soon dumped by her boyfriend, and she and Eddie are then approached by agents from the Harbinger Foundation, despotic businessman Toyo Harada's corporation for secretly amassing and training Harbingers to eventually take over the world, 'for the betterment of mankind'. The agents have come to take Stronghold and Livewire back to the Foundation, whether they like it or not...

This issue is bad! Just rotten! With other issues of Secret Weapons, I never felt buyer's remorse, as I knew I'd get somewhat funny/entertaining reviews out of them, but with this, I don't care. I really wish I'd never gotten it. This whole issue is the depressing ruination of Eddie and Amanda's lives, as they get worser and worser off, until they're forced to go back to the Harbinger Foundation by their friend Gilad (Valiant character Eternal Warrior) against their will.

Oh, and if you think the two's lives may be good at the Foundation, it isn't. They're both dragged in like criminals and fucking lobotomized, because apparently Valiant hated its fanbase (given how many characters in Magnus, Robot Fighter it killed (nearly thirty main characters, and billions of non), it clearly hated everyone!). And after that, a now brainwashed Amanda is turned into a murderous soldier for Harada, while Eddie appears again in an issue set in the future, where he overcomes his crippling lobotomy to make a stand against Harada!...And is immediately horrifically murdered. Overall, the characters have only three more issues between them after Secret Weapons, each driving a nail in their coffin deeper and deeper, until there's no more joy to be found, because if there's one thing Valiant Comics was the master of, it was at being horribly depressing!

There are many other problems with this issue, such as how it takes three pages just for the characters to walk way from the wreckage of last issue! That leaves just seventeen pages left for story, and there's a pointless splash page, and pages with only two or three panels.

Another huge plot issue is-It's absolutely baffling that the Harbinger Foundation hasn't been demolished by feds and police! Eddie and Amanda just need to call the police and say 'Hey, we're being kidnapped by a bunch of fucking psychopaths who want to keep us locked up 24/7 and be part of a private army against our will. Help!' It's really frustrating. And it's not like the police wouldn't believe the two when 1, they're being chased by a strike team, 2, the Harbinger Foundation, seemingly only a charity organization, is being attacked by mercenary squads all the damn time, and 3, Eddie and Amanda can just show their powers to the police/feds/whoever, and prove their story (it's not like they need to stay secret). That way, the authorities can discover Harada's crimes and work on taking him down. This is a big plot hole in this issue, and all of Classic Harbinger (thankfully the current remake has actually gone that route, in a certain way).

There's a continuity screwup in that Eddie and Amanda are going to the wreckage of her previous apartment (which a drugged Stronghold accidentally leveled in #4), ruminating on the destruction as if it's just happened, even though it's been months. Worsening this impression, is when the landlady approaches them to sue for damages. Why now? The way she talks also makes it seem like this just happened two minutes ago. And speaking of, why's she suing them? How does she know that a superpower screwup caused the damage? Or is she assuming they just hired a bulldozer and deliberately did the damage?! If she did know they had superpowers, a better avenue would be to hire them for favors to pay of the damages...And I'm being a bit facetious now, so I'll stop.

As for a more minor problem, the characters cannot stop saying 'Harbinger Foundation', even after it's been established as part of the conversation! Bad writing 101!

The cover is not only lousy, but a complete lie, as it's showing Gilad shielding Eddie and Amanda from the Harbinger Foundation agents! The art for it sucks, from the nothing white background, to the Liefeldian anatomically impossible position (in Gilad's case) and musculature (in Stronghold's case). And this is as good a time as any to finally give my thoughts on the series logo-It sucks! It could look good, but it only ever looks like blinding lego! And the title itself makes no damn sense!

The artwork is mediocre, and awkward in places, such as the odd angles, the panel which makes Gilad look like The Shadow, the one panel that makes Caucasian Amanda look Asian, a stylised Gypsy landlord who looks like she's from a completely different comic, the bafflingly drawn recurring Eternal Warrior/Bloodshot character Neville Alcott, and a splash page that's not only pointless, but doesn't fit seamlessly with what's going on at all!

Another weird aspect of the art is at the end, when other Valiant character Bloodshot finds Gilad and Geoff...

...What the hell is with the look on his face?! You'd think he's either a psycho about to kidnap them, or he just really hates Gilad's guts. But that's not the case at all, as he's a friend recruiting them for a mission. And speaking of Bloodshot, there's an ID photo of him seen early on in the issue...

...'Rarr!'-I wonder what he thought when posing for that.

Secret Weapons is a series utterly dragged down by its dire issues, from its complete lack of character or development for its two leads, constantly having guest stars steal their thunder, sometimes making them completely superfluous, and worst of all, the missed opportunities! The first arc had the potential in my opinion to be a fantastic story, and could have led to so much, but the writing for this series never improved. In fact, that first arc is the best, as it's only a large missed opportunity, and doesn't quite suffer the multitude of other problems this series developed. After its miserable track run, the writers had no choice but to torch Secret Weapons and rebuild it from the ground up, leading to a by-all-accounts crappy (or at the very least, meh) clone of other Valiant titles The HARD Corps, and Armorines.

Ironically though (well, maybe. I don't actually know what irony really means-No-one does!), Issue #8 contains the only real scene of character interaction and characterisation between Eddie and Amanda in the whole series. The two are best friends, yet we've never gotten any scenes/dialogue between the two worth a damn. Here though, we get one scene which is actually pretty nicely done! I'll leave this post on that, and my advice to never read this series...

Secret Weapons #6 and #7 (Classic Valiant)

Issues #6 and #7 of mediocre Valiant Comics title Secret Weapons focuses on 'The Horror Below', and had quite a bit of advertising to build up the mystery. What could the horror below be?! What could this intriguing plot be about? What horrid nightmare beasts could be lurking below????...It's just Valiant stalwart spider aliens. Again. 'Yippee'.

Superpowered 'Harbingers' Eddie 'Stronghold' Sedgewick and Amanda 'Livewire' McKee team up with Geomancer (earth speaker) Geoff McHenry and policeman Thomas Morgan to investigate the source of a mysterious spate of apparent vampire murders. Down in an abandoned subway system, they find a large colony of spider aliens, performing an execution (with the executioner clad in the intricate armour of a so-called vampire Gilad, the Eternal Warrior, once fought named Baron Darkuul). The aliens are alerted to the heroes' presence, and heavily outnumber them. Now captives of the carniverous alien predators, the team's only hope is in the hands of Gilad...

The plot to this story is completely empty. It's 42 pages made up entirely of a prolonged fight scene. There's very little story, and definitely no stakes!

This two-parter is incredibly wasteful too. That whole Baron Darkuul prologue in 1320? Pointless. The abduction of the Salem preacher from 1692 and his transformation into a cyborg? Pointless and nonsensical. Add all that to the fact that this series is a failed attempt to be like Batman: Brave and the Bold (i.e. constantly having guest stars from other series'), the main characters are upstaged in their own series to the point where they're damn near superfluous!

To elaborate more on the Baron Darkuul part of of the story...there's nothing. One of the aliens is wearing the armour of this Transylvanian 'vampire' for no explained reason, that alien is quickly killed, and the armour is never seen again. It could make sense if the presence of the spider aliens was meant to be a mystery, but it's not. They're exposed fully early on. Hence, about five pages are wasted on a superfluous prologue.

Like I said above, the spider aliens' presence here is an annoyance. They were massively overused in Valiant comics, and they're always so easily killable that their threat never holds any kind of weight (especially since the Valiant heroes they've made enemies of are basically gods who've sworn to kill them all, and are always unstoppable). What makes their inclusion even more pointless is that at the same time as these issues were published, they were already the main foes in a big storyline in XO Man-O-War, and I think Solar too. Spider alien overload!

Stronghold and Livewire are once again shafted. They get no character to them, and have no character development. As for guest stars Gilad (Eternal Warrior), Turok (Dinosaur Hunter), and Aric Dacia (XO Man-O-War), they're totally one-note. They don't even have all that much dialogue! Geoff is also one-note, as is Lt. Thomas Morgan, who I like to call the Youngblood equivalent for the Valiant universe. What does that mean? Well in the various Image Comics series', super'hero' group Youngblood is repeatedly name-dropped to try and force the connection that these comics are in a shared universe. The same is true in a way with Morgan, as this one random guy repeatedly appears in various Valiant titles solely to force said connection.

This story is also hampered by pointless narration  It's also repetitive, too. In #6, Morgan narrates about Eddie and Amanda's powers, and he does so again in #7, with very similar wording. This'd be ok if this was just plain narration, but it's in the form of a police report, so anyone reading will think Lt. Thomas Morgan is having early onset dementia! As for why its pointless, that's because-Why the hell is Morgan writing a police report about his battle alongside time-travelers and superheroes against spider aliens?! At the end, he says that  he 'doesn't know why I wrote this report. I have to destroy it, or risk losing my badge', and that's it. No explanation that he wrote it for catharsis or something (which still wouldn't be a very good excuse), or anything.

The artwork here is ok, but not so good in places, and confusing in others. Then there are other problems, such as the silly Baron Darkuul mask doesn't look nearly as intimidating as I'm sure it was meant to, and Lt. Morgan's hair length keeps fluctuating. There's a couple of pointless splash pages, and a confusing two-page spread (think Battlefeld Earth angles mixed with mediocre artwork). Issue #6's cover is very good, but a total non-sequitur (a non-sequitur that looks a hell of a lot more entertaining than what we got...literally, judging by those Pilgrim's Progress: The Animated Movie demons). #7's cover, on the other hand, is crap. The artwork for it is just crummy, and it's just a lazy group shot.

Of course there's an Elvis pin down there in the subterranean lair. You know why? Because Elvis never really died, but was instead kidnapped and help captive by the spider aliens! But don't you worry, he got his revenge on them when he told Aric Dacia how to find the XO Man-O-War armour!...As much as it pains me to say it, that wasn't a joke! That actually happens in Valiant! And from a company that prided itself on 'ultra-realism' (which is a bullshit concept with comics anyway)!

Secret Weapons is consistently both mediocre, and a missed opportunity. Good things could have been done with this series in the right hands, but that was never to be...