Bloodshot #9 (Classic Valiant)

While on a mission in Macau, Jillian Alcott, daughter of MI6 high-up Neville, has been kidnapped by Emil Sosa, a soul-sucking mutant, gangster, and Very Bad Thing, and superpowered special agent Bloodshot is sent in to rescue her and take Sosa out of commission...

This is a mediocre comic, which shouldn't surprise you at this stage. This issue is particularly worse, however, as due in part to the crummy storytelling, and in part of the terrible panel size and structure, barely any story is told here at all! That summary above? That was basically a complete synopsis!

Bloodshot is boring in almost all issues of his series, and this is no exception. He's a Liefeldian character, plain and simple. His powers continue to make him a Gary Lou (as in Mary Sue), and suck all suspense from the story, and he narrates constantly, which can get annoying. What's really funny is that he narrates so much, but physically says so little this issue.

Sosa is a recurring villain from other Valiant series Shadowman, and his final appearance in Valiant Comics is here. Yep, what Jack Boniface failed to do in two issues, Bloodshot does in two pages! He's pretty boring here. He has no personality to him besides 'Eeeeevviill', and the issue is so tiny that he really has nothing of note going for him as a character. Plus, a lot of his dialogue is either hilariously bad ("I will suck out your soul and dance on your corpse!!"), or really forced exposition.

Mohammed Mekkel, Sosa's new mentor, is a pretty nothing character, and maybe I'm just reading too much into things, but he seems kinda drawn like a racist caricature, which is not appreciated! (he also suffers from Youngblood's Disease). He seems to die midway through the climax, but the end reveals that he's alive, and teases for his return. I've no idea why though, as he has no character here, not even as a villain, and he never appears in anything Valiant beyond this issue, making it just seem pointless. It could be fine if the writing just had him be weaseling away to pastures new, but that's not what his narration at the end implies.....

Other Valiant comics character, Eternal Warrior Gilad makes an appearance at the start, which feels tacked on and pointless. As for Jillian, she's both a cardboard character, and a damsel-in-distress. Not a good combination!

One scene is pretty stupid. Bloodshot stabs a guy in the throat with a knife, making sure that they exhale before he does so, so there'll be no scream. *sigh* If someone gets stabbed simply in the back, regardless of how they're breathing, they won't scream, but if you hurl a Crocodile Dundee bowie knife into their neck, then they really won't friggin' scream, because you just stabbed them in the neck!

The artwork is decent, although one bit is odd. When Jillian kicks Mekkel, not only is his face abruptly turned bone white, but the scene suddenly warps into the friggin' negative zone for a panel! That is to say, the illustrator couldn't be bothered drawing an actual background, so simply had everything behind the characters bare white. With only a month to get ready, I can see why you'd take such a route, dude-Your fingers might have have gotten gangrenous otherwise!

This issue of Bloodshot is just plain boring (too boring to even want to screenshot much for). Don't bother reading it, ever.

Bloodshot #2 (Acclaim Comics)

A man codenamed Bloodshot has woken from a mysterious government facility with no memory. All he knows is that he's dead, and that his name is supposedly Raymond Garrison. Not believing it, he goes in search of his true identity, which he believes to be Angelo Mortalli. To find the information he seeks, Mortalli hunts down a mobster who apparently knows more about Mortalli than he's letting on. But every corner Bloodshot turns, it seems that everything from what little memory he has left has been completely erased in the real world...

The titular Bloodshot still has no character, despite his frequent as hell narrating. I'm especially confused as to why he deliberately chose a utility belt for his costume that has a huge red headlight on it!

The plot here accomplishes next to nothing. The majority shows the rest of Bloodshot's escape from the D.O.A facility, which really wasn't necessary, as we'd already seen enough of it last issue.

One really stupid scene is when D.O.A. director Simon Oreck is positing to Prject Lazarus head scientist Stroheim that the person they resurrected wasn't Raymond Garrison as they thought, but Angelo Mortalli. How in the hell did you perform this extremely elaborate procedure on a specific person (who they all know very well), but use the wrong body? However, Oreck doesn't mean it literally, as we find out in later issues. I'll just kill the mystery of that right here, lest you read this and think the writing is just inept.

The mobster, Pileggi, gets his satisfying just desserts this issue, but given how little he knows about Angelo Mortalli, why the hell did he gun down an underling last issue for merely mentioning the name?

The most baffling thing about this issue is the scene at the end, where Bloodshot recals a vague partial memory he has...And the memory is the tipping scene from Reservoir Dogs! There's a reason for this, but that's not explained this issue, so until you read where its explained, you'll wonder if the writers were trying to be cute, or if they're plagiarists!

By the way, there's one exchange between two D.O.A agents, where one is berating the other for wearing sunglasses at night, which the guy seems to think makes him look cool. I swear I wrote this exact same scene in a story I wrote! I guess I'll have to remove it, which is ok, as it was just a tiny one-scene joke. Funny coincidence!

The dialogue in this issue suffers from extreme pretentious overload, and this is not a small problem:
"Bodily fluids fermenting into wine for beetles, adipose tissue breakfast for the Conqueror Worm. Lies chiseled into granite. The name put to rest, but not the body...The grave's contents, unknown. Is six feet deep enough to bury a soul?". Judging by the lack of enough ghosts to necessitate the real-life existence of the Ghostbusters, I'd say Yes, Bloodshot, six feet is deep enough to bury the soul. "Cut the throat of metaphysics with Occam's Razor." Then what should be done with quantum mechanics? "Surge of current through emotional circuitry; spasm of memory, an amputee's phantom limb. Only an echo of a whisper, now. Sotto Voce reminder that coming back from the dead isn't the same being alive." Excuse me?! What?! And some dialogue is just dumb, such as when Bloodshot invades Pileggi's house!-"Doesn't matter how much you spend. If you build your castle out of money, the walls'll still be made of paper." Uh, no they won't. That's a terrible analogy! And one line is just disgusting! I'll save you the ickyness by not quoting it. This series also constantly overuses the word 'meat' when referring to flesh, and it's annoying!

Not all the dialogue is rubbish, though.  "Was what Project Lazarus called from the grave not enough to make a whole man...or did I bring back too much of death with me?".

The artwork is just like last issue-Decent for the most part, but pretty damn cluttered. There's one scene where I think bullets are being pushed out from Bloodshot's body by his nanites, but due to the poor structure of the art, it's hard to tell. The cover is Liefeldian, kinda ugly, and is has very little to display. Just Bloodshot kneeling in a puddle of stuff.

This isn't a great issue, but for all its problems, it's still heaps better than anything Classic Valiant ever did with the character. Still, if you're interested in what Acclaim's Bloodshot has to offer, then just skip this issue. It accomplishes nothing...

Shadowman Presents: Deadside #1, #2, and #3 (Acclaim Comics)

Two years after buying out the bankrupt Valiant Comics, video game company Acclaim reset all the continuity, to start everything from scratch. Its new take on Shadowman produced a fantastic Nintendo 64 game, and a decent six issue series, but its first foray into the character was a 20 issue series which reeked of mediocrity all the way through.

A major aspect of all Acclaim Shadowman iterations is Deadside, the place everyone in this world goes to when they die. This setting was given its own miniseries in 1999 to more thoroughly explore it...Unfortunately it came out in 1999, which was the very end of Acclaim's comics division, which just barely crawled over the millennial gap before it was completely written off, what with the company starting to face serious financial issues (which they attempted to solve in increasingly dumb and insane ways, like bad-quality porn as a reward in shitty BMX games, or advertising their video games on real tombstones). Because of this, Deadside is a four-issue miniseries that only went for three!...

Horror in genre, Deadside is a miserable series, and I'm glad it didn't get to finish out its run. It has decently written moments here and there (very occasionally, mind you), but it's depressing beyond belief! And it's basically made up of one note, and that note is 'The afterlife sure sucks, don't it!'.

Each issue is an unconnected take on Deadside, all tenuously linked by the same character, I think (this guy being the victim in #1, then a watcher in #2 and #3). I say I think because the artwork sucks, and there's multiple characters in cowboy hats. How is he as a character? Well at the end of Issue #1, we find out that he has now become someone neither dead, nor undead...and that vague line is all we get, and it's never spoken of again! What is he? Can he walk between the worlds or something? What kind of rare powers does he now wield? Eh, I don't care.

The writing is just meh. It's pretentious, and it fails at being sick and twisted. I just found it to be boring. One thing to note, though, is that Issue #1's plot actually kinda resembles French extreme horror film Martyrs!

I've no idea why this is 'presented' by Shadowman. Sure, Deadside originates from that series, but by extension, it exists in every Acclaim title, from XO Man-O-War to Dr. Tomorrow. Michael LeRoi (the Shadow Man) isn't in this series (although Jaunty briefly is), so it feels like a cheap title to draw readers in.

One of the biggest problems this miniseries has is that it completely contradicts how Deadside is seen in other Acclaim series Bloodshot, and issues of Shadowman itself! And there's absolutely zero Voodoo in this series, despite that being a lynchpin to Shadowman. Wow, you don't screw up this badly without effort!

Another confusing aspect is-How can people die in Deadside? Maybe they come back again (it's implied in Bloodshot's final issue), but that's never brought up here, which is annoying, as a major element to #3 is killing residents of Deadside.

Like I said above, the artwork sucks! This is one reason why Acclaim's first run at Shadowmman was such a failure-The artwork was crudely drawn and ugly to look at. The same applies here, but what's really baffling is the sudden art shift mid-issue in #3! Veering away from the messy painted visuals, it becomes a lot smoother and photo-realistic, and it never switches back! What the hell? The covers aren't terrible, I guess. I think the logo looks ok-Three different versions of the word Deadside superimposed over each-other.

You might find Deadside disgusting, you might find it downright insulting to your religion, or you may look forward to some twisted storytelling, but either way, I don't recommend it. It's just not all that well-written...

By the way, on one more note. You know what really tickles me? This immensely dark miniseries about the horrific reality of how life after death is eternal suffering and damnation for everyone, everywhere, no exception? It's in the same universe as goofball comedy Quantum and Woody! Wow!...

Quantum and Woody #1 (Acclaim Comics)

Still fondly remembered to this day, Quantum and Woody is the Acclaim series so popular that even the Valiant comics elitists (yes, such a thing exists) like it, despite hating every other fiber of Acclaim's guts (for 'ruining' Valiant, which is an 'interesting' viewpoint to say the least, since Acclaim bought the dying Valiant and kept it going for another two years, technically four). It was a comedy, and while it apparently didn't do too well in sales, it still got more issues than any other Acclaim series, which is fantastic!

Eric Henderson and Woody van Chelton were best friends as kids, but lost contact, something which both are very bitter about when they meet again after fifteen years at the funeral of their fathers-Business partners who died in a helicopter crash together. Questioned by a policeman, the two realize their fathers may have been murdered, and they're prime suspects. They reluctantly team up to find the real killer, and in the process, uncover the truth behind what their fathers were working on...

*Animal loving readers, don't worry, that dog in the above picture isn't really dead...and it gets its revenge for being fed sleeping pills...

Quantum and Woody is friggin' hilarious HILARIOUS, no doubt about that! The title characters are very well-written-They each have loads of character to them already, what really helps sell these characters is that the story is funny, but also has real drama that makes you care about the two leads.

This series is very non-linear, and while it may throw you off at first, it's easy enough to get used to. The reason the writers utilized non-linearity was because they wanted to start the story proper in Issue #1, rather than devote the whole thing to the beginning of the origin story, and this way, they can both tell both simultaneously.

The framing is perfect! At the start, we get two funny vignettes of Eric and Woody as a kid, then a final one which is more dramatic, which is a segue into the present day.

All in all, this is a very good opener, and I definitely find that Quantum and Woody lives up to its reputation!

By the way, some great Q&W news! Not only are original series authors Christopher Priest and M.D. Bright writing a special sequel miniseries (which is so cool of Valiant to allow! Thanks so much, dudes!), but a classic Q&W omnibus is coming in October, containing the complete 24 issue series, plus unpublished issues (which were never released due to the series' untimely cancellation), extra short stories/material/bonus features, and the issue of XO Man-O-War the duo appeared in! Wow, awesome!...Except for the $100 dollar price tag, of course. That's probably gonna be a dealbreaker for many, me included, maybe.

This first issue is currently free on digital comics website Comixology, so if Quantum and Woody sounds at all interesting to you, then you have nothing to lose by getting it and giving it a read!...

Turok, Dinosaur Hunter #1 (Classic Valiant)

Say, are you a huge fan of the Turok video games, and are interested in seeing the acclaimed Valiant Comics run? Or maybe you've heard all the hype for Valiant's Solar, Man of the Atom, or Magnus, Robot Fighter, and want to read them. Well tough, you can't. No-one can, as they are in copyright hell and cannot be saved. Dark Horse used to own the rights to the characters, and while it reprinted all the classic Gold Key issues, it didn't touch the Valiant ones. Since their screw-up, the rights to the three characters now rest with Dynamite Comics, who are writing their own Gold Key remakes, but you know what they haven't done? Reprinted the Valiant Turok, Solar, or Magnus. And it's not because they just don't want to, but because they can't either! That's right, not only can Valiant not reprint three of their biggest series', but not even the current rights-holders to those characters can either! Jesus!

Ok, shifting all that out of the way, I've managed to get a copy of Turok, Dinosaur Hunter Issue #1, one of the most best-selling comics of the 90's, with over 1.7 million copies sold! Wow, the 90's were awesome for the comics industry! It's just a shame that the industry crashed in '96.

Native American Indian Turok has had a long life. Back in the 1800's, he and his fellow tribesman Andar journeyed through a long and mysterious cave system, and when they emerged, the found themselves in The Lost Lands, a strange place where 'time has no meaning'. There they find a new tribe, and live with them until a supposed god named Mothergod comes, with intent to make the universe better. Turok sides with her, but soon realizes of her evil and fights against her. Many months later, the war in the Lost Lands ends, and Turok is flung forward in time to 'present day' Colombia, along with dozens, if not hundreds of Mothergod's evil dinosaur cyborgs...

This issue starts off all narration, extensively going over Turok's backstory and history, and this is a big mistake! This comic will make you yell 'Show! Don't tell!' over and over again. Thankfully, while the narration is still annoyingly everpresent, the second half is when the story actually starts proper.

It's a decently written story, although aside from the above problem, it's also cliched. In the Lost Lands, Turok's adopted tribe was slaughtered by Mon-Ark and others while Turok was distracted elsewhere, and soon after, when he's back on Earth, and finds another tribe to live with...Mon-Ark and co. attack them while Turok's lured away. Way to think outside of the box, writer! How many damn adopted tribes is Turok gonna lose? Is he like Paul Kersey? Everyone in a 100 mile radius he loves dies for dramatic tension?

While we barely seem him interact with anyone, Turok is a decent character, mainly due to his interesting Native American beliefs and practices.

As for the villains, I very much like the concept of the dinosoids, what with their bionic implants transforming them from mere animals who kill for food into intelligent and cruel beasts. Mon-Ark is an ok bad guy, but his name is stupid! Mon-ark, Syberidol, DarcThornn, Terminator Genesys, etc. Goddamn 90's!...and 2015...

The writing itself is ok, and pretty great in the final battle of the issue. There's also one funny line Turok says when narrating about how Mothergod came to him. "Naturally Andar and I swore allegiance. Only fools and white men deny the wisdom of gods". Haha, wow, Turok is a racist! There's also an almost unintentionally hilarious line where Turok says 'I've killed a tree!' after his arrow misses his dinosoid target.  I say almost, because while that does sound silly, Native American Indian beliefs are very much one with nature, so I can buy that Turok would actually say something like that. The issue's title is stupid though-Cold Blood Blazing. How can blood blaze? Especially if it's cold!

The artwork is subpar at best, Liefedian at worst, with Turok's musculature sometimes looking ridiculous! The cover is also meh.

Lemme tell you, this first issue really didn't leave me optimistic for the rest of the series, but the rest of the series pulls through! Once #1 gets all the establishing and backstory out of the way, the series really starts proper in Issue #2. In fact, if you're ever foolhardy enough to go looking for a series this hard to find, forget #1 altogether and start with #2. Granted, it's not great, but it's entertaining at the least.

My advice is to simply ignore this series. It's too hard and/or costly to find (even attempting to download scans from 'questionable' sources is a useless venture, and when even that can't get you what you want, you know you're fucked), so stick with the three N64 games, and say nuts to anything else...

Shadowman #3 (Classic Valiant)

Ugh, crap. I guess I had to come back to this Shadowman series sooner or later! *sigh* Gone is the good Shadow Man series, after a scant six issues. I hardly knew ye...

Jack Boniface is full of newfound exhilaration in his new role as Shadowman, beating up the crooked people of New Orleans' nightlife, but unfortunately for him, degenerate gangster, pedophile, child Po-Very Bad Thing-er and literal soul-sucker Emil Sosa has taken a sick fancy in Shadowman, and is intent on hunting him down...

This is an issue that has a villain into some horrendous stuff, and I don't know how to feel about this being in a comic. On one hand, having the hero confront such a dark real world issue is kinda commendable, and in the right hands, it can show maturity (althugh it's basically window dressing here), but on the other hand, this isn't the kind of bleak real-life subject that I want to read about in comic books. I'm not saying all comics need to be super rainbow happy fun, but some stuff might be too grim to use.

Main character Jack Boniface continues to be a dullard. I just don't find him interesting. He has no character, and he's a dime-a-dozen vigilante. Also, I am seriously getting annoyed by Classic Valiant's constant piss-yellow narration boxes! Pick a different colour, you lazy bums! Jack's baby-blue Shadowman costume is still sucky, but his mask is very cool and fitting!...It gets destroyed next issue and is replaced by a sucky one. Dammit!...

Emil Sosa is an ok villain. His soul-sucking powers are courtesy of his being a Harbinger (the Valiant universe's equivalent to mutants), but thankfully this issue doesn't say that. Not that this helps much, as there's still no legit magic in the Shadowman series, which is infuriating.

There are many dumb moments this issue, such as when Jack saves a captive girl from Sosa's house, walks her out onto the grounds...and leaves her alone so he can go find Sosa! IDIOT! But it's ok, as this plantation just seems like a regular home, with no guards and just Sosa...But Jack doesn't know that, and the little girl is still caught while he's gone...by Sosa. Holy crap, you suck at this, Jack! Michael LeRoi is the real Shadow Man! Dr. Facilier is better at being a Shadow Man than Jack Boniface, and he was a bad guy!

Another nonsensical aspect is why Sosa's maids have never called the police, even though they're regularly forced to dispose of violently murdered bodies by their twisted employer. Seriously, pretend to dispose of whoever Sosa's just killed, leaving it on the grounds, then call the cops when he's out, or if they're feeling really confident, leave the corpse exactly where it is and smashed a vase against the back of Sosa's head, or something like that. Nettie explains that he's got the maids' kids locked up somewhere, as insurance, but Sosa seems to be a pretty lone wolf. Again, conk 'im on the head and phone 911! The cops'll find your kids! Either way, it's better than them being locked up in a sex offender's secret dungeon somewhere!

The ending is hilariously abrupt! Jack and Sosa fight for a few panels, Jack wins quickly, then it instantly cuts to Jack talking to Nettie the next day, where he's saying "Man, Sosa sure was a maniac. I'm glad he's dead" Wow! Could you be any more blase abrupt than that?!

One scene in particular is just plain baffling! It's at the start, when Jack is in a bar, seeing an old guy being harassed by bookies. They drag the guy into a bathroom, and Jack follows, sticking a crowbar in the door handle. The next panel, the thugs are running out, terrified, and it was easy enough to figure out what had happened...But then I saw the time tag! Jack goes into the bathroom to confront the thugs at 9:06 PM, and they run out at 9:45 PM! What the hell was Jack doing in there for 39 minutes?! After that long, why did no-one call the police, or force their way in to see if Jack was ok? What must the bar patrons/staff think of the guy who locks himself in a bathroom with violent gangsters for nearly an hour? Stupid comic! And worse still, when the gangsters escape the bathroom, one of them says "Finally! I thought that bolt would never give!". Uh, dude, did you try lifting it up?! That line would make sense if the crowbar was on the opposite side of the door, but it isn't! Stupid comic!

The art is pretty good, as is the cover. The logo box though, Jeezu Christos! Bright green?! And other issues in the series have logo box either tomato red, baby blue, orange, or juane yellow, etc! This is supposed to be a horror series!

On one final note, Shadowman is not worthy of a day of celebration in New Orleans in my opinion. It's a city that deserves a better comic...

She-Hulk #2 (Marvel-2014)

Wow, it took me longer than I meant to to come back to the new She-Hulk series, didn't it!

Jennifer 'She Hulk' Walters has just set up her new law firm, and one night out clubbing, she bumps into fellow superheroine Patsy Walker-Hellcat. Patsy is pretty drunk, and insistent on having some fun, so she runs out to head for a secret A.I.M. (a bad guy group in the Marvel universe) base she heard about to throw down in, with Jennifer reluctantly tagging along...

Issue #2 is more of the same in terms of dullness as #1, but it was a tiny bit better. The story is so brief and nothing, that it's infuriating that readers have to wait so long in-between issues, when what we get feels so lifeless and empty, like there's practically no-one in Jennifer Walters' life other than herself, even though she has frequent ties with all the big players of the Marvel universe.

Jennifer Walters is pretty boring here.  Her speech at the end really annoyed me. She goes on to the A.I.M agent about how she's got nothing to lose, and that her 'life seems to fall about more and more each day.' What?! The only thing that's happened to you is you quitting your last job, and you got a massive payment for another job, and now have your own law firm! Shut up, 'Jennifer'! This attitude makes no sense, especially if you factor in continuity!

One weird aspect to the comic is that Jennifer has no work to do but this one case involving a few superheroes, and for some reason she doesn't want to. That'd be ok if the comic ever explained why!

Hellcat is an unlikeable bitch here, but she's drunk, so I'll give her character the benefit of the doubt.
Jennifer's new secretary looks very unappealing, but that may be because she reminds me of Rosie O'Donnell, who I can't stand. Also, her having a pet monkey just seems odd for the sake of being odd.

The one case Jennifer has-the so called 'Blue File'-namedrops Monica Rambeau. I can't help but wonder if the 'Don't mention a great movie in your shitty one' applies here!...I'm kidding, of course, but what I will complain about in that regard is that the picture of Monica in the file is of a white woman!

The artwork is decent in places, but mostly amateurish. Sometimes the character ratios are screwed up, sometimes the characters appear pudgy, even though they're not meant to, and sometimes there are nothing white backgrounds. Also, it became more and more noticeable to me that the characters, especially Jennifer, look dead-eyed! Speaking of eyes, there's a terrible two-page spread!

I won't complain about the artwork too much though...Because I've seen how much worse it gets! I might as well talk about this here for a bit, as I have no intention of getting any more issues of this series any time soon. Issue #5 has a new artist, who I think is a temporary fill-in, and his art style is Aeon Flux if it looked like shit! And if you're familiar with Aeon Flux, you know that it already looks like shit!

To finish, She Hulk #2 is dull as nothing, and is completely unworthy of being a She Hulk comic!...